Merlin

This is Merlin’s story. 

Does that sound like a strange name?  It does to me. 

I have been going through a rough patch lately with family. Just ask those close to me.  I haven’t been the most enjoyable person behind the scenes of life.  I’ve been grieving. Loss of life. Loss of relationships. I have been grieving over loss in general. I can’t remember who said this recently. Was it Mark Batterson or Susie Larson?  “Faith happens in the struggle.” You could say I’ve been struggling a lot lately.

Big prayers, big prayers I prayed, “God, would you heal my brother?”

It would have been miraculous, and I believed with all my heart that God desired to heal him. In the end, I felt foolish as though I totally missed the mark. I feel like the employee that did exactly as her manager instructed with a customer issue and when the customer went rogue, the boss backed off and Wham! The boss did the opposite of what the worker thought she was told to do.

I felt like I was cut off at the knees.  What just happened?!  I was angry. I felt betrayed. I put my best prayers/words out there, touting how God is our healer and we need to speak words of life into this brother’s life and then, no miracle was witnessed, no healing on earth happened.

It’s hard not to feel like my prayers had no effect. However, I realize now that it doesn’t mean a miracle didn’t happen. My brother went home to be with the Lord just before Thanksgiving, leaving behind quite a few shocked and sad people.  Even still, I am grateful to know he is with the Lord in heaven, and I look forward to hearing his side of the story someday.

Other grief…Our child has chosen to separate themselves from us, for whatever reason.  Maybe it’s because they don’t believe like we do. Maybe it seems we are pushing an ideology on them or because in today’s culture, we may be viewed as haters even though we choose to love all people.  While I don’t love some of their actions, I do love all people.  That right there can make a person twist up in knots these days. However, I must be true to who I am and what I believe.  That’s all I can do. 

Having grown up in a large, closeknit family with cousins, nieces and nephews running around at family gatherings, holidays and many friendly card games in between It’s been a wrestling match that could have caused this to be a bitter pill to swallow. This is where Merlin fits in.

Yesterday, I was home recovering from a cold when I heard the unmistakable sound of a bird hitting the front window. I moved toward the noise as Felix trotted passed me going in the opposite direction. I am sure it scared him. I arrived at the window to see this rather large bird on the snowcapped ground who at first appeared to be steadying himself on his wingtips, after hitting his noggin. I imagined the cartoon where the birds were circling his head as if he was a bit dazed. I later found that his snow angel wingspan imprint measured about 21 inches.  My bird app identified him as a Merlin, and for good measure, Jim later checked with a student of raptors and verified that the bird was indeed a Merlin.

As the excitement of his recovery and flight wore off, I was watching a Heartland rerun, as I have been known to do. Kit’s mare had a still born foal, and the vet had a lead on an orphaned foal that needed a mom to feed him. Voila! They bring in Merlin to see if the mom will warm up to and care for him. Really, I am thinking, Merlin? I didn’t even know there was such a bird until the bird incident and then, here Heartland characters are calling a foal Merlin.

This mare and foal relationship truly ties to my life these days. After many years in Corporate America, I believe God directed me to the Special Education field so I can help with kids in need.  First, I served in middle schools as a paraprofessional and now, I am helping 600+ of them in a school district as an administrative assistant. God connected me with kids that need someone’s extra care.  I am forming special connections with kids daily, face to face and on paper. I pray for them as my own.  You could say that they have become the Merlin in my story.  Even though things don’t look exactly as I anticipated they would years ago. God has put children in my life that need my love and care. I am honored to be a part of their lives. It fills my heart with joy to know that I am helping kiddos get the care they need as I continue to wait for my daughter to return.

I hope you enjoy this story and my video of Merlin with his quick recovery flight to the nearby tree. I am so grateful that I have a God that choses to show up in my life on days where I am sad and worn out. He shows me that He is there, has not forgotten me and that He loves and cares for me. 

I’m including one of my favorite C.S. Lewis quotes that just so happens to be from the book, A Grief Observed:

“You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth or falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It’s easy to say you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by the rope over the precipice. Wouldn’t you then first discover how much you really trusted it?”

The photos included in this post are a memorial to my brother. He and his bride spent time singing with me at one of our band’s practices years ago. He is truly missed and I look forward to seeing him in the hereafter. Love you forever Mike.